Being

Well hello there, I just reread what I wrote previously.. That was stupid I destroyed it. I do not want to give you a bad impression, I apologize. First of all, Happy Eid. I have been working for the past five days and I was extremely exhausted thus a very good long sleep I had gift myself in return;which continues after this post. Things are great, or to be specific 2016 has been extremely well although life is always changing like a puff of wind in the air. Isn't life is supposed to be like that? There is nothing like realizing that you don't have much time left to stimulate your appreciation for the moments of your life. I mean it sounds corny, but I started to really experience stuff for the first time, like the beauty of patience when I grew up hating on waiting although I have to stand by a fluffy blossoms, blooming tree or pink clouds with little sparkles of sunlight. Time is really important for me. For the first time in my life, I had a project and a goal to focus on. I had to figure out everything I wanted to accomplish in my remaining time on earth, sounds like I'm dying...but nope, think of it as if tomorrow is your last day on earth, wouldn't you want to see a small tick beside your list of life? But, aren't we all dying anyways? Make the best out of it.

I have so much to write, where should I start?

Sunless

I spent last night in a forest with my friends. It was a perfect night despite the struggle between the dark and us. I'm not going to complain more about it because that was what I wanted. A dark calm night, like the crickets love their forest. Lets go back to yesterday. I let my windows open, it is an old school window where you have to use a certain wood for a stand. My eyes travel over the trees a lot. I pursue the pattern of each tree to its last convolution, noticing every mark of age. My fingers are too busy examining whatever it is touching. I've already captured some photos earlier. Towards evening I sit alone in the room, not bothering my friend who is having a great time with her boyfriend at the resting place, an old wooden table with three chairs, I saw a big grasshopper there earlier. I happened calmly to glance into the interior of the room, the walls are see through. Not obvious but I can see the outlines of a movement outside. There's a cross on top of the bed which I took down after. In my mind, I could die in the room tonight, it is old, creepy and beautiful.

That's for a start. Nothing much happened besides chilling until 3AM while they were drunk and I joined the crazy happiness. And no, I wasn't drinking, I promise. I didn't had a good sleep because a friend of mine encountered a ghost outside and her boyfriend and her sisters boyfriend had to sleep with us. I was alone, for sure. Wasn't that sad? A couple on the bed, another couple on top of my head and then there's me, with my blanket. Well, at least they felt safe and I was okay.

I am a total abyss.

And there is nothing left but the voluminous abysses, the immobility, the cold.

I am no longer in a relationship. We decided to separate, ending our 2 years of relationship. Something touched me, something that made me think about part of us which insists on drawing profiles on prison walls. Oh, I do have feelings for him, still. I could tell you about his scars, his veins, his hair and his expressions. I could talk about it all night long, but I better not. 

"Goodnight, I would love to hear your voice sometimes."

"Goodnight, call me too."

I've never heard about him, since. I haven't deleted or change anything yet. I will when I am okay. Our meaning has been lost. But it was then that for the first time I perceived the presence of that thing I didn't understand which had something to do with happiness and memory, and towards which slowly, heavily I began to walk. In the past,when I had a pain and it passed away, I was happy; now I am merely relieved, while there is this bitter feeling in me 'only to be well again, nothing more'.

I have a question. What if we awake one day, all of us... and find ourselves utterly unable to read?

Update

Hi, here I am slowly vacuumed into an abyss of destruction. I'm borrowing my brothers laptop because mine is dying and I'm not going to purchase another; I kinda think I have a future and a laptop isn't needed for the career. 

No, this post will not be about Millia because I am not ready, I am still in love with her.

This is just a short update of how I have been, to those loyal reader of a shitty writer. I was recently awaken by certain events that bought me to a realization, that no matter how much effort you've shown, how nicely you are dressed, how many chances you've wasted, you will never be enough for anyone. That had left me to my very first real heartbreak. I will talk about my love life later. I have been home for almost a year, it's not because of I'm lazy to work my ass off and find a job. I had and I'm having troubles, but I think I'm ready for an interview soon because I need to leave and be alive. I love home, I love the garden, I love seeing my mother but there's a dark side of it whether its the house or the energy. I'm ready to leave.

I opened my eyes this morning, feeling happy despite my ruined bodyclock. Because I knew today I was going to be surrounded by nature. And me, who in the photo that has faded in the envelope still smiles at vanished sun. I spent today by attaching my butt to a rock on a hill, reading Anne Frank which I had bought finally after years and years of forgetting the most important book by filling the shelf with the weird ones. Does it hurt when you see forests being burned? Hows destroying nature be called progress?

My relationship has been rough. What does it means when what usually kills you doesn't hurt you anymore? Figure it out yourself. I have a picture of my 40 years old me living alone near a zoo with 50 cats and 2 cubs. The light is already dim here. Should I try to spark our love again? How? Why would I break myself?

Life In Concentration Camp

Drawing about the living hell by an escaped prisoner of North Korean Concentration Camp

A Line for 3 Years

As a victim of my own thoughts I've tried and still trying my best to have a distance between expressing and living, congratulating my gravity or these threads would float around and drowns me down. On the very last day I bought a diary from Typo and I've been writing since then. I do not have a phone yet..again repeating....to post them up here. I love how I can actually use the diary for 3 years but the cover is polkadotish which is obviously the opposite side of me but naw you don't judge the book by its cover;yet sometimes I do. I couldn't find a matching pen for it oh hell no not mentioning a polka dot pen please, just a plain black pen//a colorful markers would be hella work.

I didn't write anything on the 1st of January as I got it on the 3rd same goes to the 2nd day of the month. It is filled with the upcoming important characters who are currently living inside this book Tough;Dad Sexy;Mom, Caplan;Brother Guilt;Brother Fliky;Brother et cetera. 2nd is filled with photos(which I will post soon) and my answer to

What Do You Love Most About The Weekend?
Sleep. Where the surface of the bed will be amazingly 10x better than before sleeping. Where I can recall the face of the people that I passed by the previous night, knowing that they do not need to be efficient the next day, less responsibilities, relaxed. Where the leader will make time for their families, weekend is where the malls are full of crying babies and the kids laughter;while the parents would sometimes fight of the burden. Where the volunteers of Pandawas School sacrificing their time for the sake of the kids future. Where I..can be home enjoying my tea while it's raining.

Let's not write about myself.

This post is supposed to be long but let's just wait until I have the mood to write or a phone will post a photo up first. Surprise..................

....{Continue}

On the 3rd of January, I bought this book. I was with Jun, Koochi and Nad. I didn't talk much or wasn't I always like that(?) I just wanted to enjoy my last night in silence knowing that once I reach home I would be on my bed crying;still in silence. It's not hard to fake up a smile. That night, the bedroom was strange, it was empty. Unfamiliar. My eyes adjust to some dark coloured pants folded neatly I still remember the view, it was the preparation for tomorrow. This is it, the goodbye.

The question for the day was when and where was your last selfie? It was in Jun's car all along. I might update the photos but with my face blurred out are there still points? I didn't write much. My fingertips were sad.

4th

I woke up, wishing it was still November.

Goodbye lovely people. 

My memory splits there.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I like to?

I spend a lot in the kitchen. I love it when mom is not home. The medicine corner, I don't know. I read the descriptions of each and I would google them up. I don't know what I want to do it was just addictive but I do not take any.. If I were to have a laptop(it was broken too, recently), I would have more than 5 bar for them, I love to read them up. I am not going to mention here of what I am believing because there's risk of sickheads attacking me on Ask.fm asking me about believing in God. Why don't I answer you here, I do not worship demon..I know my religion.

5th

coma baby, with your sick head

the doctors saved you, but you're still dead

through your scalp I would like to reach in

so i could pull out the monster you've been

but you would do anything to

destroy the body that they rescued

your sick little head, so brain damaged

lying in that hospital bed

coma baby, the cry of your bones

and your skull when it split on the road

i wish i'd find all your lonely remnants

of you that left when your head cracked open

but you would do anything to

destroy the body that they rescued

your sick little head, so brain damaged

lying in that hospital bed

lately i can't recognize you

the doctors lied when they said they saved you

you're just the shell of the boy that you've been

and you're dying, i can feel it

6th

Unproductive.

What makes you unique?

I don't.

2015

Good night to my fellow sick readers. The reason why I am writing at this hour is to tell you that I am safe and alive. Let's just forget about what happened to me previously. Thank you to those who texted asking whether I was there and wanted to talk. I didn't reply any, deepest apology from me but I remember each of you. I do not have a phone right now because it's broke(dad said I would destroy everything thats on my reach;which is quite true), I am currently using my old iPod which has limited space with only wechat inside. My brother left his laptop unattended so I wouldn't miss the opportunity to visit my networks. So I am so very very very sorry to a certain friend of mine who thinks I have a rotten soul. I do extremely agree but let's have a different point of views alright? I won't judge yours so let me be. 

I am no longer in school, I graduated;yay. I am now home with the relatives telling me how skinny I am and mom is hiding whatever pills or supplement....sucks. The first thing that I did wasn't greeting my family, but greeting the weighing scale. Let's just say I don't have anorexia since I haven't went through diagnosis yet but I met all the criteria. But I do feel like Ana is always around. She asked me to stopped eating, she asked me to be aware of the calories, it's her fault. F you Ana.

How can someone drown for so long and stay alive?

I am no longer a teen. My peripheral personality is still somewhere stucked in a land of cactus at an undiscovered desert and does not want to let the conclusion out. I am sad to admit that I am a confused prick who tries to swim a different stream. As for my future planning, dad asked me to stay home and eat a lot for now. I want to work but it has to be working with animals(although I graduated with something else). Is it okay if I work at the zoo? Can I survive? God knows how I love animals. I was thinking of opening an organization for the strays but I want more, I need to be in the wildlife. I need to face the wild animals;thats my dream. And I love kids but I get bored easily of doing the same thing everyday, maybe teaching the refugees once in a week is okay. Oh my god I am useless. 

The night is painful. I will try to blog as often as you farted.

Here's a swimming frog, goodnight.

You know you need to rest, but you cant. And you're awake with no definite purpose, doing meaningless activities like writing a blog, or start empty conversations, anything but sleep, when all the cells inside you are longing for sleep. You routinely practice tedious activities. Sit in a class that does not cater to your passion, converse with people who doesn't help you grow, walk straight as if there's no other corner, looking down avoiding everything. Most of the time is "you dispensable fuck you short height trash garbage maggot feeding on the shit that surrounds you burn in hell that you constantly ignite" mood.

'These sounds reflects negative energies passed through my body and mind that day. I always think to be dead and buried from a long time, since before my own physical birth, that I consider an highly repellant act; and that I will only compensate through the supreme act of beauty of my own death. I think that the only way to be into "art" is to overcome ourselves, to go beyond, in every instant, every fuckin' moment of this presumed life. All that I can do is to go beyond,overcome myself and never turn back..leaving at my shoulder all the shit and garbage. From the point of no return I can see the shadow of my corpses and laughing on them.. to laugh and to cry on my own death, on my corpses..'

Today, Sunday, more to Dimday for me, I didn't go outside, not a single step outside of my room. I've been scrolling through volunteering stuffs and an extreme wildlife trip. I just want to be outside, not crowded, nature. Where I can hide in fair weather, as I am the orphan of the storm. I have a list of Why I Am Not Worth Anyones Time, should I post it or nahhhhh <- Lame

A Coward

"I've wasted myself. I've turned into something I can't control. I'm dwarfed, minimized by everything around me. I'm scared of what's going on to happen next. Any unpredicted movement, any sound I haven't anticipated, terrifies me, lessens me. There's a pair of scissors on the desk in front of me. I'm picking them up, opening and closing them, pressing the rings of metal against my bone. I'm sticking my finger into the blades of the scissors and squeezing as hard as I can. They're dull. They won't cut into me. It doesn't hurt, it throbs, reminding me of the existence of my hand, which disgusts me. I hate my body more than I hate the objects and events that rub against it. I don't despite the conditions of my life as much as I despite the existence of my flesh."

Me, right now.

She used to be an athlete,

She sleeps all day now.

She used to eat everything, I mean it. Everything,

She is counting calories now.

She had passion about being an astronaut,

She believes she has not future now.

She greeted everyone with a smile,

She prefers to walk alone now.

She was a leader of the relatives,

She is awkward around them now.

She had no problem about going out,

She is spending most of her time in her room now.

She was confident about herself,

She knows she will never be anyones choice now.

She was happy being around families,

She knows she is the burden now.

She collected perfumes,

She is collecting pieces of her now.

She smiled a lot back then,

She is fake now.

She loved horror,

She is the horror now.

I was clean, for almost a month. Silly me for thinking I was better. No. I had my breakdown again. But no worries though, I'm still this happy girl infront of everyone. Life was okay, normal, which I'm sure it is way normal-er(dict that) than your life. A different kind of normal. Where there's no lights. I've been updating my Fasting Diary, which went quite well, I might post em up someday. I deactivated my Twitter because. Just because. I want to write back. I need to. This is where none of you will judge me, and I'm happy. I don't expect visitor here. You don't need to follow up anyway. Because this is just me expressing myself. Where it's full of negativity, somewhere where you should avoid. Again, I don't need judgepigmental fucktard here please. I had enough.

My face I speak not about, my love

for myself I do, I'm more beautiful than 

any object, moving, still, never more

beautiful than people, I'm equal

6.00

Yesterday I had to do the laundry. I was getting ready when I lost the connection. Stupid wifi for causing problems and I don't use 3g because I just don't. Queue in 7E was too long I decided to let go. At about 1.44pm my driver called saying he's downstairs. There was another guy in the car which I had no idea who. I ate 2 half boiled eggs while waiting. Met twin bros and we ate sushi. Nothing much, I didn't talk much except them. I got my eyes on a few things from uniqlo btw. It was weird that I didn't shop but them.

Oh, and I emailed Befrienders KL because I can no longer hold it. They replied.

P/S Dad's friend noticed how skinny I am. Which forced dad to asked me I guess? I said I'm fine, I'm not sick at all.

Escapism

THE GASHLYCRUMB TINIES

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George, smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake.
J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Nevil who died of ennui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl.
P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titas who blew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in.
Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.

.

Me : When will I meet you again?
Dad : Here, take my business card.
Me : Cool.
*Act like strangers again.

PWG

D: you know sometimes i still think of ways to win you back, bcs i'd always kinda hoped that maybe, we'd, you know.. get back together and that.. but you know, but when I heard that you're with.. you know..

(pause)

D: i know, i know, i know it's the height of hypocrisy and i know-doing this isn;t gonna change anything.. or-or make anything better..but um..

(sigh)

D: i'd.. i'd settle you for respect.

(tempo decreased,lower volume)

D: you know.. i'd settle you for smiling..when you thought about the time we had together and not thinkin' it was a waste of time..

(pause)

D: you know, i mean, i know i didn't do you any favours that day kay? i did a stupid, stupid, stupid thing.

(punchline)

D: but it was only because i thought that spoiling your day was better than ruining your life.. does that make any sense?

(closure)

D: i'm such an idiot.

The best of Charlie Chaplin

I'M SORRY BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE AN EMPEROR, THAT'S NOT MY BUSINESS. I DON'T WANT TO RULE OR CONQUER ANYONE. I SHOULD LIKE TO HELP EVERYONE IF POSSIBLE, MUSLIM, JEW, GENTILE, BLACK MEN, WHITE. WE ALL WANT TO HELP ONE ANOTHER, HUMAN BEINGS ARE LIKE THAT. WE ALL WANT TO LIVE BY EACH OTHER'S HAPPINESS, NOT BY EACH OTHER'S MISERY. WE DON'T WANT TO HATE AND DESPISE ONE ANOTHER. IN THIS WORLD THERE IS ROOM FOR EVERYONE AND THE EARTH IS RICH AND CAN PROVIDE WITH EVERYONE.

THE WAY OF LIFE CAN BE FREE OR BEAUTIFUL. BUT WE HAVE LOST THE WAY.

GREED HAS POISONED MEN'S SOULS, HAS BARRICADED THE WORLD WITH HATE ; HAS GOOSE-STEPPED US INTO MISERY AND BLOODSHED.

WE HAVE DEVELOPED SPEED BUT WE HAVE SHUT OURSELVES IN : MACHINERY THAT GIVES US ABUNDANCE HAS LEFT US IN WANT. OUR KNOWLEDGE HAS MADE US CYNICAL, OUR CLEVERNESS HARD AND UNKIND. WE THINK TOO MUCH AND FEEL TO LITTLE, MORE THAN MACHINERY WE NEED HUMANITY, MORE THAN CLEVERNESS WE NEED KINDNESS AND GENTLENESS.

WITHOUT THESE QUALITIES, LIFE WILL BE VIOLENT AND ALL WILL BE LOST.

THE AEROPLANE AND THE RADIO HAVE BROUGHT US CLOSER TOGETHER. THE VERY NATURE OF THESE INVENTIONS CRIES OUT FOR THE GOODNESS IN MEN, CRIES OUT FOR UNIVERSAL BROTHERHOOD FOR THE UNITY OF US ALL. EVEN NOW MY VOICE IS REACHING MILLIONS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD, MILLIONS OF DESPAIRING MEN, WOMEN AND LITTLE CHILDREN, VICTIMS OF A SYSTEM THAT MAKES MEN TORTURE AND IMPRISON INNOCENT PEOPLE. TO THOSE WHO CAN HEAR ME I SAY "DO NOT DESPAIR".

THE MISERY IS NOW UPON US IS BUT THE PASSING OF GREED, THE BITTERNESS OF MEN WHO FEAR THE WAY OF HUMAN PROGRESS : THE HATE OF MEN WILL PASS AND DICTATORS DIE AND THE POWER THEY TOOK FROM THE PEOPLE, WILL RETURN TO THE PEOPLE AND SO LONG AS MEN DIE [NOW] LIBERTY WILL NEVER PERISH.

SOLDIERS: DON'T GIVE YOURSELVES TO BRUTES, MEN WHO DESPISE YOU AND ENSLAVE YOU, WHO REGIMENT YOUR LIVES, TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO THINK AND WHAT TO FEEL, WHO DRILL YOU, DIET YOU, TREAT YOU AS CATTLE, AS CANNON FODDER.

DON'T GIVE YOURSELVES TO THESE UNNATURAL MEN, MACHINE MEN, WITH MACHINE MINDS AND MACHINE HEARTS. YOU ARE NOT MACHINES. YOU ARE NOT CATTLE. YOU ARE MEN. YOU HAVE THE LOVE OF HUMANITY IN YOUR HEARTS. YOU DON'T HATE, ONLY THE UNLOVED HATE. ONLY THE UNLOVE AND UNNATURAL. SOLDIERS ; DONT FIGHT FOR SLAVERY, FIGHT FOR LIBERTY.

YOU THE POEPLE HAVE THE POWER, THE POWER TO CREATE MACHINES, THE POWER TO CREATE HAPPINESS. YOU THE PEOPLE HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE LIFE FREE AND BEAUTIFUL, TO MAKE THIS LIFE A WONDERFUL ADVENTURE. THEN IN THE NAME OF DEMOCRACY LET'S USE USE THE POWER, LET US ALL UNITE. LET US FIGHT FOR A NEW WORLD, A DECENT WORLD THAT WILL GIVE MEN A CHANCE TO WORK, THAT WILL GIVE YOU THE FUTURE AND OLD AGE AND SECURITY. BY THE PROMISE OF THESE THINGS, BRUTES HAVE RISEN TO POWER, BUT THEY LIE. THEY DO NOT FULFIL THEIR PROMISE, THEY NEVER WILL.

LOOK UP! LOOK UP! THE CLOUDS ARE LIFTING, THE SUN IS BREAKING THROUGH. WE ARE COMING OUT OF THE DARKNESS TO LIGHT. WE ARE COMING INTO A NEW WORLD. A KIND NEW WORLD WHERE MEN WILL RISE ABOVE THEIR HATE AND BRUTALITY.

Homer

While browsing throughthe family photo album, Lisa notices that there are no baby pictures of Maggie. Homer explains by recounting the story of Maggie's birth. In 1993, Homer hated working at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, and had a dream of working at a bowling alley. After he received a paycheck that cleared him of all his debts, he quit his job at the power plant, and went to get a job at the local bowling alley.

When Homer and Marge "snuggled" to celebrate this development, she become pregnant. Marge knew that the news would end Homer's new lifestyle and affect his happiness, because it meant he could no longer support his family on his bowling alley salary. Marge kept her pregnancy a secret as long as she could,but Patty and Selma, eager to ruin Homer's life, spread the news quickly around town.

Hower was not happy when he found out about Marge's pregnancy, and was completely unenthusiastic about the impending birth. Because of the financial problems caused by the pregnancy, Homer was forced to make a sacrifice and go back to the power plant. However, Mr. Burns made Homer beg for his job back, and placed a large plaque in front of Homer's desk reading: "Don't forget: you're here forever". Hower was once unhappy again at his work, but as with all the Simpson children, when Maggie was born, Homer instantly fell in love with her. Back in the present, Bart and Lisa still do not understand what that has to do with Maggie's photos. Homer merely mentions that they are in the place where he needs them the most. The scene then cuts to his workplace where all of the photos of Maggie are positioned on the plaque on the wall, which now reads: "Do it for her".

Be strong

It's these moments when silence overwhelms the space and time stops. When a father hugs his son, time stops out of shame before a father's wound.
Silence world looking and a father asking "What is my sons fault?"
-Al-Sha'ar neighbourhood

What I know about faith

Close your eyes, I'll write something on your hand. Do not see until you go home.

I saw you
at your
lowest point;
you're miserable,
wallowing worst,
pitiful and dirty,
sorrowful and shamed.

and I 
still 
love(d)
you.

Now

Late nights,

good books,

warm tea,

nice dreams.