Life In Concentration Camp

Drawing about the living hell by an escaped prisoner of North Korean Concentration Camp

A Line for 3 Years

As a victim of my own thoughts I've tried and still trying my best to have a distance between expressing and living, congratulating my gravity or these threads would float around and drowns me down. On the very last day I bought a diary from Typo and I've been writing since then. I do not have a phone yet..again repeating....to post them up here. I love how I can actually use the diary for 3 years but the cover is polkadotish which is obviously the opposite side of me but naw you don't judge the book by its cover;yet sometimes I do. I couldn't find a matching pen for it oh hell no not mentioning a polka dot pen please, just a plain black pen//a colorful markers would be hella work.

I didn't write anything on the 1st of January as I got it on the 3rd same goes to the 2nd day of the month. It is filled with the upcoming important characters who are currently living inside this book Tough;Dad Sexy;Mom, Caplan;Brother Guilt;Brother Fliky;Brother et cetera. 2nd is filled with photos(which I will post soon) and my answer to

What Do You Love Most About The Weekend?
Sleep. Where the surface of the bed will be amazingly 10x better than before sleeping. Where I can recall the face of the people that I passed by the previous night, knowing that they do not need to be efficient the next day, less responsibilities, relaxed. Where the leader will make time for their families, weekend is where the malls are full of crying babies and the kids laughter;while the parents would sometimes fight of the burden. Where the volunteers of Pandawas School sacrificing their time for the sake of the kids future. Where I..can be home enjoying my tea while it's raining.

Let's not write about myself.

This post is supposed to be long but let's just wait until I have the mood to write or a phone will post a photo up first. Surprise..................

....{Continue}

On the 3rd of January, I bought this book. I was with Jun, Koochi and Nad. I didn't talk much or wasn't I always like that(?) I just wanted to enjoy my last night in silence knowing that once I reach home I would be on my bed crying;still in silence. It's not hard to fake up a smile. That night, the bedroom was strange, it was empty. Unfamiliar. My eyes adjust to some dark coloured pants folded neatly I still remember the view, it was the preparation for tomorrow. This is it, the goodbye.

The question for the day was when and where was your last selfie? It was in Jun's car all along. I might update the photos but with my face blurred out are there still points? I didn't write much. My fingertips were sad.

4th

I woke up, wishing it was still November.

Goodbye lovely people. 

My memory splits there.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I like to?

I spend a lot in the kitchen. I love it when mom is not home. The medicine corner, I don't know. I read the descriptions of each and I would google them up. I don't know what I want to do it was just addictive but I do not take any.. If I were to have a laptop(it was broken too, recently), I would have more than 5 bar for them, I love to read them up. I am not going to mention here of what I am believing because there's risk of sickheads attacking me on Ask.fm asking me about believing in God. Why don't I answer you here, I do not worship demon..I know my religion.

5th

coma baby, with your sick head

the doctors saved you, but you're still dead

through your scalp I would like to reach in

so i could pull out the monster you've been

but you would do anything to

destroy the body that they rescued

your sick little head, so brain damaged

lying in that hospital bed

coma baby, the cry of your bones

and your skull when it split on the road

i wish i'd find all your lonely remnants

of you that left when your head cracked open

but you would do anything to

destroy the body that they rescued

your sick little head, so brain damaged

lying in that hospital bed

lately i can't recognize you

the doctors lied when they said they saved you

you're just the shell of the boy that you've been

and you're dying, i can feel it

6th

Unproductive.

What makes you unique?

I don't.

2015

Good night to my fellow sick readers. The reason why I am writing at this hour is to tell you that I am safe and alive. Let's just forget about what happened to me previously. Thank you to those who texted asking whether I was there and wanted to talk. I didn't reply any, deepest apology from me but I remember each of you. I do not have a phone right now because it's broke(dad said I would destroy everything thats on my reach;which is quite true), I am currently using my old iPod which has limited space with only wechat inside. My brother left his laptop unattended so I wouldn't miss the opportunity to visit my networks. So I am so very very very sorry to a certain friend of mine who thinks I have a rotten soul. I do extremely agree but let's have a different point of views alright? I won't judge yours so let me be. 

I am no longer in school, I graduated;yay. I am now home with the relatives telling me how skinny I am and mom is hiding whatever pills or supplement....sucks. The first thing that I did wasn't greeting my family, but greeting the weighing scale. Let's just say I don't have anorexia since I haven't went through diagnosis yet but I met all the criteria. But I do feel like Ana is always around. She asked me to stopped eating, she asked me to be aware of the calories, it's her fault. F you Ana.

How can someone drown for so long and stay alive?

I am no longer a teen. My peripheral personality is still somewhere stucked in a land of cactus at an undiscovered desert and does not want to let the conclusion out. I am sad to admit that I am a confused prick who tries to swim a different stream. As for my future planning, dad asked me to stay home and eat a lot for now. I want to work but it has to be working with animals(although I graduated with something else). Is it okay if I work at the zoo? Can I survive? God knows how I love animals. I was thinking of opening an organization for the strays but I want more, I need to be in the wildlife. I need to face the wild animals;thats my dream. And I love kids but I get bored easily of doing the same thing everyday, maybe teaching the refugees once in a week is okay. Oh my god I am useless. 

The night is painful. I will try to blog as often as you farted.

Here's a swimming frog, goodnight.

You know you need to rest, but you cant. And you're awake with no definite purpose, doing meaningless activities like writing a blog, or start empty conversations, anything but sleep, when all the cells inside you are longing for sleep. You routinely practice tedious activities. Sit in a class that does not cater to your passion, converse with people who doesn't help you grow, walk straight as if there's no other corner, looking down avoiding everything. Most of the time is "you dispensable fuck you short height trash garbage maggot feeding on the shit that surrounds you burn in hell that you constantly ignite" mood.

'These sounds reflects negative energies passed through my body and mind that day. I always think to be dead and buried from a long time, since before my own physical birth, that I consider an highly repellant act; and that I will only compensate through the supreme act of beauty of my own death. I think that the only way to be into "art" is to overcome ourselves, to go beyond, in every instant, every fuckin' moment of this presumed life. All that I can do is to go beyond,overcome myself and never turn back..leaving at my shoulder all the shit and garbage. From the point of no return I can see the shadow of my corpses and laughing on them.. to laugh and to cry on my own death, on my corpses..'

Today, Sunday, more to Dimday for me, I didn't go outside, not a single step outside of my room. I've been scrolling through volunteering stuffs and an extreme wildlife trip. I just want to be outside, not crowded, nature. Where I can hide in fair weather, as I am the orphan of the storm. I have a list of Why I Am Not Worth Anyones Time, should I post it or nahhhhh <- Lame

A Coward

"I've wasted myself. I've turned into something I can't control. I'm dwarfed, minimized by everything around me. I'm scared of what's going on to happen next. Any unpredicted movement, any sound I haven't anticipated, terrifies me, lessens me. There's a pair of scissors on the desk in front of me. I'm picking them up, opening and closing them, pressing the rings of metal against my bone. I'm sticking my finger into the blades of the scissors and squeezing as hard as I can. They're dull. They won't cut into me. It doesn't hurt, it throbs, reminding me of the existence of my hand, which disgusts me. I hate my body more than I hate the objects and events that rub against it. I don't despite the conditions of my life as much as I despite the existence of my flesh."

Me, right now.

She used to be an athlete,

She sleeps all day now.

She used to eat everything, I mean it. Everything,

She is counting calories now.

She had passion about being an astronaut,

She believes she has not future now.

She greeted everyone with a smile,

She prefers to walk alone now.

She was a leader of the relatives,

She is awkward around them now.

She had no problem about going out,

She is spending most of her time in her room now.

She was confident about herself,

She knows she will never be anyones choice now.

She was happy being around families,

She knows she is the burden now.

She collected perfumes,

She is collecting pieces of her now.

She smiled a lot back then,

She is fake now.

She loved horror,

She is the horror now.

I was clean, for almost a month. Silly me for thinking I was better. No. I had my breakdown again. But no worries though, I'm still this happy girl infront of everyone. Life was okay, normal, which I'm sure it is way normal-er(dict that) than your life. A different kind of normal. Where there's no lights. I've been updating my Fasting Diary, which went quite well, I might post em up someday. I deactivated my Twitter because. Just because. I want to write back. I need to. This is where none of you will judge me, and I'm happy. I don't expect visitor here. You don't need to follow up anyway. Because this is just me expressing myself. Where it's full of negativity, somewhere where you should avoid. Again, I don't need judgepigmental fucktard here please. I had enough.

My face I speak not about, my love

for myself I do, I'm more beautiful than 

any object, moving, still, never more

beautiful than people, I'm equal